Searching...and Trying Not to Lose Hope

1 John 3:16 "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

We live in a country and a day-&-age where "laying down your life" for your brother/neighbor/friend is kind of a foreign concept. To me, this concept became real when I started dreaming of giving my body to house & nourish a baby until it was completely formed & ready for birth for a couple in need. Laying down my "life" for my brother and using it to bring them what they so desire. To me, this is a fantastic way to love someone, the way Jesus has loved us. 

So, I thought it would be fairly easy to find a "couple in need" of a surrogate. In 2005, I began my search for this couple. I started googling Surrogacy Agencies & I filled out hours & hours worth & tons & tons of applications to become a surrogate. After several applications, I noticed a pattern. Each & every one asked 3 questions that to me were "deal breaker" questions for me:

1. Would you agree to carry for a same-sex couple?

2. Would you agree to "terminate" one or more babies if you became pregnant with multiples but the Intended Parents only wanted one child?

3. Would you agree to "terminate" one or more babies if it was found that the baby had an illness or disorder, if the Intended Parents wanted you to?

For me, all 3 of these questions go against very strong beliefs that I have. I know in this day & age, it is socially acceptable for same-sex couples to have a relationship & have a baby...but its not something I agree with, thus I could never help bring a baby into this world for someone choosing to live this way. Purely my own opinion. There are MANY surrogates out there that have no moral check in their spirit about this issue at all, and would happily carry for them. Not me. The second and third questions just break my heart. To think that someone would desire & dream about a baby for so long, so much so that they would invest a lot of time, money & emotions into finding & using a surrogate, and then want to abort that baby because they weren't what they had in mind is devastating to me! I know some would say that if they are "paying" for a child to be brought into this world, they deserve for that baby to be perfect. In my mind, God knows what's best for you and what you need. God knows what this child (or children) needs & if God has blessed you, then you should accept that blessing, no matter what shape or form. To "terminate" (aka: abort) down to one baby if I would become pregnant with twins or triplets is just...wrong to me. Breaks my heart. I know this is a controversial issue, but these are simply my personal beliefs (I'm not looking to get into a debate about this lol) & things I could not bend on.

So, as I answered "No" to each of these questions on each of these applications, I got the door slammed in my face again & again. Year after year, I applied again & again (when I wasn't pregnant with my own children) and I kept getting my hopes crushed. I just couldn't believe that standing by your beliefs would cause you to be rejected. There HAD to be Intended Parents out there that believed the same things as I.  Though I started losing hope for a moment, I never let my dream die. I knew that as I stuck to my moral beliefs, He would bless me & bless that couple in the future through me & plan my every step towards completion.  I began praying for that couple, though I had no idea who they were. I had a new hope & excitement in me & knew that as I held on to the dream He birthed in my heart, it would come to pass. 

 Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

I will share in the posts to come how He HAS brought the right couple to me, in the way I would have least expected! I encourage you, if God has placed a dream in your heart, step out in faith, BELIEVE in Him & don't lose hope. It may not come in the way you thought, or the timing you hoped for...but it will come. Just keep seeking HIS perfect will for your life. Thank you for coming with me on this journey!!

Better Full Than Empty...

Like a lot of women, it was always my fear that I would never be able to have babies of my own. Next to getting married, it was always my deepest desire to have children.  That fear of not being able to get pregnant paralyzed me at times. The fear was so real to me, though I never had any REASON to believe this might be true for me. No family history. No physical problems. But still...the fear was real. I'll get back to this in a moment.

God blessed me with an amazing husband. When I say amazing, I mean a-ma-zing! Russell is my soul-mate, my best friend. He is the most selfless, sweet, generous, kind-hearted, gentle man I've ever met. He's the first man in my life that truly treated me like a "woman" & cherished me & vowed to protect me. We got married on July 26, 2003 after being friends for years, dating for 3 months & engaged for 10 months...a whirlwind of excitement leading up to that wedding! We immediately discussed children & said that we would love to have LOTS of children...at that time I think we were thinking of having 12!! (YES I said 12 lol...since then,  it has reduced to wanting 6 total, but that's a whole other story for another time).

 Russell is the baby of 4 children with parents who have been married for more than 30 years. He has a very large extended family with multiple uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, etc. I, on the other hand, come from a very broken home with many divorces on both sides & I was raised (more or less) as an only child by my mother. I have one brother that my father raised & a half-brother & half-sister.  I never knew my grandparents or uncle (they all died either before I was born or when I was too young to remember). Never had any close cousins or extended family. I feel I grew up very lonely, in the family arena. I'm saying all of this to paint a picture as to why, maybe, we wanted such a large family...because Russell was used to a big family...and because a big family is all I ever wanted!

So, after marriage, we sort of decided to wait 2 years to have our first baby. I say "sort of" because we kinda forgot to clarify to each other if we meant we'd wait 2 years to START trying or 2 years to HAVE our first. We got the itch about a year into our marriage to start trying. I got off birth control & because we were thinking it would take a long time...or (in my case, per the above "fear" mentioned) NEVER, we started trying. Low & behold....I am a very fertile woman! PRAISE JESUS! I got pregnant almost immediately & a WEEK before our 2 year anniversary, we welcomed our first child, Micah. What a miracle! I absolutely LOVED being pregnant & truly thought every ache & pain & hiccup & sleepless night was WORTH it. I vividly can recall the nurse placing that little bundle of joy on my stomach the second after he was born, and me placing my hand on his warm little back & praising the Lord for blessing me in this way. I also remember, seconds after giving birth saying to my midwife, "I can't wait to get pregnant again!"

Well, God heard my prayer on the delivery bed in that moment!  We have since been blessed with 3 more bundles of joy. Noah was born in 2006 (just 15 short months after his brother, Micah). Judah followed in May of 2008 (18 months after Noah) & Layna (our only girl) was born in February of 2010 (21 months after Judah).  There were a couple of months there that we had "4 children ages 4 and under". Some people call us crazy. I say we are blessed.  Most people say, "You sure have your hands full!" but I always answer, "Better full than empty".

You see, my heart hurts for those whose hands (and wombs) are empty. I have several friends who haven't ever been & never will be able to have children of their own. I have had FAR too many friends & family have to go through the pain of miscarriage. I have heard so many stories of the heartache these women feel because of their barren womb. It brings tears to my eyes to even think about. Being that it was my greatest fear to never be able to get pregnant, I feel truly among the blessed when it comes to being able to carry my own children. Not only that, but I LOVE being pregnant & having babies...I love everything about the experience. How many women can say that?? I have found that it is rare, in the hundreds & hundreds of women I have spoken with regarding pregnancy, for a woman to "love" it, or frankly even enjoy it. Again, I feel all of this is a "gift" God has given me.

My deepest desire, since I got pregnant with Micah,  is to use these gifts to give a couple in need the baby/babies their heart longs for. I immediately, after having Micah, started thinking about & daydreaming about & talking about & praying about becoming a Gestational Surrogate. I want to share with you my journey from this point to where we are at today, as well as where we are headed in the future! You will be happy to know that I am well on my way to blessing an AMAZING couple the truest desire of their hearts, a baby! We have a long way to go, but we have come so far, you'll see!  God has so much in store & I want to record it for all to read & be encouraged by. I will post more soon! Blessings to you!!

"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength;

 they will mount up with wings like eagles, 

they will run and not get tired, 

they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31